Belichick On The Stand

With this Hernandez thing spinning out of control, imagine if Coach Belichick were called to the stand …

Lawyer: Mr. Belichick …
Bill Belichick: That’s “Coach Belichick”
L: Alright, Coach Belichick …
BB: Or just “Coach”. Or “Sir”.
L: Moving on, Coach Belichick, do you consider the defendant to be a good team mate?
BB: I only concern myself with players who are on the roster.
L: When he was on the roster, did you consider the defendant to be a good team mate?
BB: We’ve moved on from that. We’re just preparing for Denver this week.
L: Yes, but at the moment you are in a court of law, so those preparations are not at issue.
BB: We’ve still moved on.
L: Coach Belichick, moving back to the time when the defendant was on your roster, at that time did you consider him a good team mate.
BB: He did some good things. Some things he needed to work on. He practiced hard.
L: Coach, I don’t think you answered my question.
BB: I most certainly did answer you.
L: You responded but you did not provide any factual information.
BB: You asked for my opinion. I gave it. Next question, Mr. Manning.
L: Sir, my name is not “Manning.”
BB: Oh. Right.
L: Mr. Belichick. During the time the defendant was on your roster. Please describe to the court. The way he behaved in the locker room.
BB: He showed up. Got dressed. Played. Showered after the game. Went home.
L: How did he behave towards the other players.
BB: He did some good things. Some things he needed to work on.
L: Such as?
BB: Took longer in the shower than he should have. Not efficient.
L: Nothing else?
BB: No.
L: Alright. Lets move on to this story that you told the defendant to get a “safe house”.
BB: We use McCourty on a safety blitz.
L: Excuse me?
BB: Though sometimes we’ll line Ebner up as a linebacker and blitz him too.
L: I was going to ask you about this report about a “safe house”, not a “safety blitz”.
BB: There’s an interesting story on how the position was named “safety” …
L: Mr. Belichick.
BB: It all goes back to when …
L: Mr. Belichick!
BB: Yes?
L: May we proceed?
BB: Of course.
L: Mr. Belichick, you seem pre-occupied with football.
BB: Yes. Next question.
L: Please try to focus on your testimony for just a little while and you can be finished.
BB: I am focused, but you keep asking me football questions.
L: I apologize. I will try to stay on track.
BB: No problem, Peyton.
L: (sigh) There is a report that you told the defendant to get an apartment as a “safe house”.
BB: Yes. Ras I Stone wrote about it.
L: You mean “Rolling Stone”.
BB: Him too. We cut Ras I Stone.
L: You mean Ras I Dowling.
BB: Him too.
L: Did you tell the defendant to get an apartment as a “safe house”.
BB: No, of course not. He was a tight end, how can he score a safety?
L: No. A “safe house”.
BB: No.
L: “No” you did not tell the defendant to get an apartment as a “safe house”?
BB: Yes.
L: Your honor, please instruct the witness to provide a complete answer.
Judge: Mr. Belichick, please answer the question.
BB: I already did. Twice.
J: Sir, answer the question.
BB: Yes, Mr. Kraft.
J: Excuse me?
BB: To answer the question: no I never told the defendant to get a “safe house”.
J: Thank you.
L: Thank you.
BB: You’re welcome, Mr. Welker.