Social Media “News”


This started as a mini-screed over on Facebook and from there I just went with the flow …

Dear Social Media Aggregators,

Very few things you post “astound me”, “inspire me”, “make my jaw drop”, “blows my mind”, or renders me into even the state of slightest disbelief about “what happens next”. Or any of the other tired, over-used superlatives you heap on recycled crap in a failed effort to look like you’re contributing to society. So just post the link and shut the fuck up.

I’m all for some good ole “step back from the ledge” uplifting news. But all these sites rehash the same crap, and the intro text is clearly the result of Market Research to determine which key words will get people to click-through since they all use the same ones. Over, and over, and over, and over. Of course, since most of America seems to read at a 5th grade level and have the attention span of a poodle on crack, it must always seem new to most folks.

What’s sad is that people need to know about the glaciers and income equality and the real cost of the War on Drugs. This is important shit. And they sure won’t get much information on any of it on the 24-hour news channels. But these important issues get treated with the same gravitas as someone’s pet hamster that can do long division. It feels like these sites all start out with good intentions: trying to get the word out. But then in the crush to provide content and maintain traffic flow, the standards of what’s post-worthy get thrown out the window.

And the regurgitation of the same hyperbolic slug lines is out of control. Not even the “Morning Happy Time News” on KFUK is this twitchy. Even kindly old Grannies who spend all day being amused by kitty videos on YouTube are asking each other: “what the fuck was so powerful about that shit they posted?”

It’s all just boring, unimaginative, homogenized crap.

They need to post intro’s like: “Hey you stupid fucks, look what your tax dollars are really paying for.”

Or: “You’ll taste your own bile when you read about how much money your state is losing by not legalizing weed.”

Or: “You’ll wish someone fed your leg into a wood-chipper when you see how much the polar glaciers melted in the last 10 years.”

Bitches need to learn how to write.

You’re welcome.